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It’s New, New, New, New and more New.

New! It’s a new year after all, so Happy New Year to you all!

New! Etiquette Ladies has a new virtual etiquette training website. Now your whole company can view business and dining etiquette training anytime, anywhere and as often as they want on their computer. And it’s cheaper than a one-time visit by a trainer. www.mannersTV.com

New! Culture Challenge and Courtesy for Kids flashcards.

New!Etiquette Ladies is representing a new variety of apple, The Red Prince new to Canada and grown locally in Thornbury. The launch began in February 5 so look for The Red Prince in Loblaw, Sobies and Longos stores and be sure visit redprinceapple.ca. Sign up for the Civility Challenge and enter the contest for a trip for two to a luxury resort in Collingwood.

New!Statistics on manners: Good Manners Trump Good Looks

New! Etiquette ladies has new individual client-focused coaching for adults and children.

New! Etiquette Ladies has a new location right downtown Toronto in the heart of Soho.

In This Issue

The Perfect Apology: tips to help you make the perfect apology should the need arise; The Low Down on the Down Under: no, it’s not about Australia folks. They are tips based around something Torontonians love to hate: the Subway; Valentine’s Day is almost upon us and we have included tips to help you enjoy the day; Tune in to The Dean Blundell Show on 102.1, The Edge on February 11 when I chat with Dean about more do’s and don’t’s for Valentine’s Day; more Ruder than Rude; plus timely announcements about upcoming Train the Trainer.

The Perfect Apology

Ten tips to help you make it

You had good intentions, but somehow things got out of hand. Your brother-in-law pushed your buttons and although you tried to keep your mouth shut, you just had to say something. Now you now regret it. Big time.

What should you do? An apology sends the clearest signal that we have the strength of character to reconcile ourselves with the truth. It is the most courageous gesture we can make to ourselves.

Leave out the ifs and buts. If reduces the effectiveness of an apology. For example: “If I offended you, I am sorry.” This says the offence may or may not have happened. Adding but is just as bad. For example: “I am sorry, but you started it.” Using but just deflects some of the responsibility away from ourselves and reduces the effectiveness of the apology. Say, “I offended you and I am sorry.”

Use the active voice, not passive. The passive voice is another way of avoiding responsibility. Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” the apology comes out as, “Mistakes were made.” It’s like someone else may have made them. You know you are in the passive voice if some form of the verb to be is used.

Don’t joke around. An apology is serious and although humour is good to diffuse tense situations, don’t use it in an apology.

Don’t assume. No one wants to accept an apology from someone who is arrogant enough to presume they know how you feel. Instead of saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” say, “I can’t imagine how you are feeling.” Or say, “I wonder how I would feel if I were in your shoes. I don’t know. How do you feel?”

Don’t say, “What can I do to make it right?” An apology is much more effective if it includes a plan for restitution. The victim needs to hear what you think is an appropriate offer. Do what is fair without asking. Be generous.

Take turns. When offering a significant apology, say something like, “I need to apologize to you. This is not easy for me so I ask that you hear me out and then I will listen to what you have to say.” This increases the chances that the person will actually listen to you and not be thinking of their own response.

Begin with I. An apology is about accepting personal responsibility so rather than say, “You have said things and I have said things and it’s time to stop the fight,” say, “I apologize. I have said things I didn’t mean and I am sorry.”

Use the victim’s name. Everyone likes to hear their own name and using it in your apology reinforces the mission, which is to repair the relationship.

Don’t Ramble. Rambling usually ends in excuses. Say you’re sorry, then stop and listen.

Don’t Argue. Even if the victim doesn’t see things your way, just listen. The purpose of an apology is not to change someone’s point of view.

The apology in a nutshell
Say I’m sorry, I apologize

Make it timely

Take responsibility

State the wrong at the beginning

Express hearfelt authentic genuine regret

Express emotion

Give an explanation

Going forward, give solutions and actions you are planning to take that will prevent this from happening again

Follow up

Chocolate, Wine and Be Mine Valentine

Valentine has pagan origins and comes from the Latin word valens which means “to be strong, robust and powerful.” Valentines Day as we celebrate it today, has remnants of both ancient Roman and Christian traditions. According to one legend, Saint Valentine was a priest during the reign of the Roman emperor Claudius. Claudius had Valentine jailed for defying his decree, which outlawed marriage for young men. Another has it that Valentine was a Roman martyred for refusing to give up Christianity on February 14, 269 A. D. Yet another legend has St. Valentine imprisoned and killed for helping Christians escape Roman prisons. Evidently, there was a love affair between St. Valentine and the jailor’s daughter. Valentine left a farewell note for her that read, “from your Valentine.”

Valentine’s Day always falls on February 14 and is the traditional day on which lovers in certain cultures let each other know about their love, commonly by sending Valentine’s cards. It’s one of the biggest days in the year for florists, jewelers, lingerie shops, chocolatiers and restaurants. Businesses have so commercialized the day that people feel pressured to show those special people in their lives how much they care with more than tokens of their affection. Every romantic feels they should be giving an expensive gift, buying the sexiest lingerie, dining at the finest restaurants, eating the most expensive chocolates and drinking the best champagne.

Here are a few tips to help you through without breaking the bank or someone’s heart.

Sharing with Loved Ones. If you don’t have a sweetheart you can still enjoy the trappings of Valentines Day with someone whose company you would enjoy—friend, relative, acquaintance, coworker neighbour. If you choose to spend it alone, treat yourself to a take-out meal, rent a movie, call someone you haven’t talked to for a long time, enjoy a luxurious bubble bath with candlelight and wine, buy a romance novel…

Think About the Thought. If you have someone special in your life, plan something the person will appreciate and enjoy. Remember, Valentine’s Day is about love. You gesture should be thoughtful, but not necessarily expensive. Whether you plan a gift or an outing, it should be consistent with your relationship. If you’ve just met recently, an expensive gift or lingerie would not be appropriate because makes assumptions or overstates the relationship.

It really is the thought that counts, but think about the thought. I recall years ago working one Valentine’s Day in my father’s jewelry store. A gentleman bought his wife an electric razor, which was a luxury item in those days. I always wondered if she was thrilled with it or if she would have preferred a nice pair of earrings. Even if your partner has mentioned wanting a particular item, gifts like a new Swiffer, an ironing board, drill, deep fryer or membership at Jenny Craig may not be appreciated for Valentine’s Day.

Don’t Break the Bank. Think about what your loved one would like and if you can afford to get it or do it. If you can’t, what would be the next best thing? Stay within your means. If you are planning an outing, factor in travel costs, ticket prices, baby sitter, dog sitter, taxi fare, tips and any other expenses.

Be realistic about Expectations. You may be swept away by the romance of it all, but is your sweetheart? Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by lavishing gifts and attention when you know they may not be valued or worse, not reciprocated. Remember it is just like Christmas—it’s about giving, not receiving. Not everyone is into it to the same degree.

Making Plans. If you are planning on staying home, a nice dinner at home can be made extra special with a tablecloth, nice, china, flowers, candlelight, a bottle of wine and Michael Bublé or your favourite music. The dollar store has lots of themed and inexpensive décor items you can use. Decorate the table with hearts, serve a few chocolate dipped strawberries or special dessert.

If your plans include going out to a restaurant, let your sweetheart or guest know the type of establishment so they can prepare and dress accordingly. Consider your partners likes and dislikes and choose a place where they’ll feel comfortable. Don’t take your vegetarian girlfriend to a steak house and don’t go overboard if what they’d truly enjoy would be the neighbourhood Bistro or a pizza on the couch.

Gift Giving. Remove price tags from your gift and present it nicely wrapped. If you aren’t good at gift wrapping, perhaps the store do it for you. Or think creatively! Put your gift inside a useful container, a decorated box or a basket of fruit. Giving a gift to someone in the shopping bag it came in makes it seem obligatory or an afterthought.

Appreciate the greatest gift of all: the time you spend together.

A Valentine’s gift for the person who has everything—name a star after your loved one.
Visit www.starregistry.com

The Low Down on the Down Under

The subway may be below ground, but that doesn’t mean you’re below the radar if your bad manners are showing. People do notice, they talk about it and they remember. Yes, it’s true. You do have some anonymity. They may not know your name, but bad manners in public spaces, especially confined spaces, show you have very little respect for yourself. Not a great message to send to the world. And how can you be sure that person across from you is not your future boss?

Last fall, I surveyed Toronto subway riders. Here are some of their pet peeves.

“The people who insist on standing in the doorway of the train while others try to get in or out. Move your bloody arse out of the way.”

“I hate it when people cough into their hand and then use that same hand to hang on to the pole. It’s disgusting and I don’t need your extra germs.”

“The nastiest thing I’ve seen is someone cutting their nails with nail clippers. They were flying all over the place and one landed on my lap. Yech! It was the grossest thing ever. Hair combing and picking teeth are pretty bad too.”

“Yawning without covering your mouth. I saw her tonsils, for heaven’s sake, never mind all those creepy black fillings and funky morning breath. Cover your mouth. Don’t you learn that in kindergarten?”

“My personal pet peeve is people eating on the subway, especially messy stuff that stinks up the whole car. And then they lick their fingers and put their trash down the back of the seat. Can you imagine, finger lickin’ good?”

“It’s the big guys who just have to sit with their legs WIDE apart taking up two seats and impinging on my personal space. It’s like they can’t close their legs because their family jewels are so HUGE, they need a whole seat for them.”

“Those would-be Sherpas with the huge backpacks. They swing around and just about knock you over. They should take the darn thing off before they get on the train and put it at their feet. And when they bend down to put it there, they need to remember someone might be standing behind them. I don’t want your ass rubbing up against me first thing in the morning.”

“People who put their belongings on the seat. Unless they paid full fare for the bag, it doesn’t get a seat.”

“If you’re a big guy, don’t try to squeeze into the middle seat. You just won’t fit. And don’t pretend your elbow rubbing my boob didn’t happen. Say you’re sorry.”

Those are just a few of the reported transgressions. They all had one thing in common: lack of respect and consideration for fellow passengers. Although one person did suggest you need to expect this sort of thing on public transportation—and if you don’t like it, walk or take a cab—I believe we can expect some degree of decorum, regardless of where you are. Here a few tips for those of you who may need a little reminding.

Let those trying to exit the train, get off before you board.
Say, “Excuse me,” when passing in front of others.
Take only one seat and put packages and belongings at your feet.
Take care you don’t knock others off their feet when trying to maneuver into a crowded train wearing your back pack. Take it off and put it at your feet or on your knees not on a seat—unless of course you have paid full fare for it.
Keep your knees no more than six inches apart. Maybe you do have more than your share of the family jewels but we don’t want to see them.
If you see a pregnant woman, elderly or disabled person or someone with a bunch of packages, get up and give them your seat. Studies have shown it’s catching. When you do it, others will as well.
Use the ‘fold’ when reading a newspaper.
Practice good personal hygiene.
Curb your phone calls and lower your voice in conversations.
Avoid eating and drinking, but if you absolutely must, avoid smelly food, don’t make a mess of yourself or your neighbour and take your garbage with you.
Turn your iPod down. It is a personal music player, not a boom box (hence, the earphones).
Don’t place your wet umbrella on the seat. You might think it would be funny to give the next passenger a wet butt, but be courteous instead. They might be on the way to a job interview.
Do your grooming at home or in a rest room. That includes everything from flossing your teeth and clipping your nails to shaving your legs (yes it’s been reported) and combing your hair.
Don’t talk or reach across people.
Clean up after yourself! Dispose of trash or newspapers in the receptacles provided on the platforms.
Be patient. Trains may be late but taking it out on fellow passengers or train employees is not the answer and does not solve the problem.

Ruder than Rude

In our office we are in cubicles. We have several employees that have loud, personal conversations over the walls with no consideration to people working around them. When brought to the bosses’ attention and requested that the issue—again—be addressed, it instead was made into a joke that was openly, loudly laughed and talked about for the entire room to hear. I believe the last result was a very loud, verbal, “Tough,” and a party was planned.
—D.M., Toronto

I am sure there must be others who are on your side but perhaps afraid to speak up. This sort of behaviour, bullying and intimidation makes for a toxic work environment, decreases productivity and increases absenteeism and staff turnover. Discuss the matter in confidence with the HR department.
LF

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Good Manners Trump Good Looks
The Red Prince Apple

Take a Bite Out of Bad Manners with the 30-Day Civility Challenge

Download the press release (900 KB Word document)

News released Friday, February 5th, 2010, Toronto, Ontario — Nearly nine out of 10 Canadians (89%) report that they would be more attracted to an average looking person with great manners, versus a good looking person with poor manners, proving you do not have to look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie to get a date, according to a recent Angus Reid study* commissioned by the new Red Prince apple. To underscore the importance of manners, the Red Prince, of Red Prince apples, today launches a civility movement in Toronto’s business district.

Despite the fact that civilized conduct seems to be highly valued, Canadians do not appear to be incorporating society’s esteemed code in their daily lives. In fact:

Sixty-five per cent (65%) of Canadians say they witness lack of common courtesies on a regular basis, such as saying please, thank you or hello;
More women (41%) than men (29%) report witnessing rude commuters on a regular basis;
Fifty-nine per cent (59%) of respondents complain of regular exposure to road rage, such as tailgating and cutting off other drivers; and
Fifty-four per cent (54%) of respondents report witnessing technology abuse regularly, such as the use of cell phones and PDAs during meetings or while on a date.

“I suspect this behaviour comes down to anonymity,” says Louise Fox, owner of the Etiquette Ladies. “We are always more polite to people we know, such as our neighbours and our co-workers because we know we will see them again. Whereas, road rage and lack of common courtesies are often directed at strangers and we feel there will be no repercussions.”

One place however, where Canadians do seem to exhibit overwhelmingly good manners is the workplace, with more than 71 per cent of Canadians rating their coworkers’ manners as good or very good. Is there motive behind good manners at work? Poll findings revealed that 83 per cent of Canadians would consider improving their manners if it improved their chances of a promotion or finding a romantic partner.

Fox added: “Ideally, respect for ourselves and one another should be all the motivation required to improve one’s manners. Imagine the positive effects on society if each person decided to exhibit simple good manners and be civil towards everyone they encountered.”

The Red Prince’s civility event
As such, to help promote the return of civility and manners to society and to encourage acts of kindness, the Red Prince, and his team of royal assistants, will distribute more than 10,000 locally grown Red Prince apples to the public today in the underground PATH system at the Exchange Tower (130 King Street West) and First Canadian Place (100 King Street West) between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m.

“This new apple represents a new way of thinking, in terms of how it is grown and how we wish it to be affiliated. We hope the Red Prince apple will become a symbol and a reminder of respect, in the same way that children take an apple to their teacher. With the Red Prince’s civility event, we are optimistic that we may start to slowly effect positive change, one apple at a time,” say Marius and Irma Botden, exclusive growers of the Red Prince apple in Canada.

During the event, the Red Prince and the Adelaide Spa will also indulge passersby with the royal treatment by offering free hand massages for men and women during their lunch hour, in the hope that these good deeds will inspire others to pay them forward. Louise Fox, owner of The Etiquette Ladies, will also be onsite to provide useful etiquette tips proven to be beneficial in business situations, family life and dating.

The 30-day civility challenge
To inspire Canadians to perform good deeds everyday for one month, and ideally beyond, the Red Prince today launches the 30-day civility challenge. The Red Prince will tweet a challenge every day for 30 days such as “offer your seat to someone in the subway,” and “hold the door open for someone today” from his Twitter account @RedPrinceApple. To sign up for or download a copy of the 30-day civility challenge, visit www.redprinceapple.ca.

Additional poll highlights

The old adage, the older the wiser, rings true as a whopping 95 per cent of adults aged 55 plus said they would be more attracted to a less attractive person with good manners than a good looking person with bad manners. In contrast, 20 per cent of 18 to 34 year olds said they are more attracted to a good looking person with poor manners.
Only four per cent (4%) of Canadians report witnessing no examples of bad manners on a regular basis.

About the new Red Prince apple
The Red Prince is a premium apple, locally grown in Thornbury, Ontario, available during the winter months. Recognized for its antioxidant-rich red skin, the Red Prince has inherited the sweetness and juiciness of the Golden Delicious and the crispness and tanginess of the Jonathan.

“The new Red Prince apple is a good source of vitamin C, which is essential for healthy skin and gums and for improving immune system function,” says Cara Rosenbloom, a Toronto-based registered dietitian. “It is also a good source of fibre, which promotes regularity and contributes to weight maintenance.”

The Red Prince is ideal for fresh eating, in salads or in baking and pairs particularly well with sharp cheddars and blue cheeses. For a delectable nut-free Royal Energy bar recipe, please visit www.redprinceapple.ca.

About Global Fruit
Global Fruit is a Canadian company co-owned by Irma and Marius Botden, who hold exclusive rights to grow the Red Prince apple in Canada. Headquartered in Clarksburg, Ontario, Global Fruit began growing the Red Prince apple when it was brought over from Europe over nine years ago. The apple orchards extend across the Southern Ontario region and include many varieties, such as the Red Prince, the Honey Crisp and the Ambrosia. Global Fruit is dedicated to sustainable growing practices and to increasing the volume of local product for local consumption. For more information, please visit www.globalfruit.ca.

About Martin’s Family Fruit Farm
Martin’s Family Fruit Farm is an independently owned company which packs and distributes the Red Prince apple in Canada. Established in 1971, this family business owns over 700 acres of quality orchards located in various locations across Ontario. Martin’s boasts many prestigious awards including the 2004 Ontario Global Traders award for Excellence in exporting as well as a 2005 Environmental award by the Greater Kitchener Waterloo Chamber of Commerce. For more information, please visit www.martinsapples.com.

For more information about The Red Prince apple, the event, event photos or to arrange an interview with a spokesperson, please contact:

Jennifer Potvin
Faye Clack Communications
Office: (905) 206-0577, ext 223
Cell: (905) 464-7523
jpotvin@fayeclack.com

Nicole Meitsch
Faye Clack Communications
Office: (905) 206-0577, ext 226
nmeitsch@fayeclack.com

*Methodology
On January 27 and 28, 2010, Angus Reid Public Opinion, the public affairs practice of Vision Critical, conducted an online survey among a randomly selected, representative sample of 1,017 adult Canadians. The margin of error for the total sample is +/- 3.1%, 19 times out of 20. The results have been statistically weighted according to Statistics Canada’s most current education, age, gender and region census data to ensure a representative sample of the entire adult population of Canada. Discrepancies in or between totals are due to rounding.

Train the Trainer

Train to be an Etiquette Consultant

FOR BUSINESS
SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE IS THE NEW SCIENCE OF SUCCESS: Whether your occupation is politics, education, finance, retail, healthcare, hospitality or any other, building social capital and civility in the workplace can have a significant impact on your bottom line. Become an ICTC certified Civility at Work Trainer and learn how to increase productivity, foster effective communications, boost social intelligence and maximize cultural competence. Civility Experts in partnership with Etiquette Leader is pleased to offer a Train-the-Workplace Civility Trainer in Toronto on April 9 & 10, 2010 and in Winnipeg on May 14 & 15. Email events@civilityexperts.com for registration and information in Winnipeg, and louise@etiquetteladies.com for registration and information in Toronto. LIMITED TIME OFFER: $3250.00 (includes all materials, two days of training, breakfast and lunch and copyright duplication privileges).

FOR CHILDREN
CIVILITY, CONFIDENCE, CHARACTER and COMMON SENSE. These four elements when fostered in children are the building blocks to teaching respect and leadership behaviours. Train to teach children–in your home, church, school, or community, how good manners, effective communication, and superiour social skills can help them achieve success. Train to be a Children's Civility and Character Consultant in Winnipeg on May 17, 2010 and April 12 in Toronto. Email events@civilityexperts.com for registration and information in Winnipeg, and louise@etiquetteladies.com for registration and information in Toronto. LIMITED TIME OFFER: $1800.00 (includes all materials, two days of training, breakfast and lunch and copyright duplication privileges).

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